Sometimes I get in these really weird moods, like I desperately want to put hand to keyboard and type out everything going on in my brain. Except I have nothing to say. Yep. That’s me right now. Never making any sense at all. I think I feel like writing about my day, because it was probably one of the best days of this semester. I’m not sure how much that says about my school year thus far…
It went something along the lines of me waking up and being really grumpy that my alarm clock went off. I thought I had school today because the two days I had off for Thanksgiving through me round the bend. But nope, it’s a Saturday. Coincidentally I did have an appointment that I needed to get to. A twenty minute drive to make it on time and I had 30 minutes to wake up, breakfast, dress, and get there. I was 2 minutes late. Score!
But that wasn’t why my day was so lovely. I’ve recently made it my goal to stay off the internet and to focus on living more. Sometimes I just want to hide from my coursework and the threat of the future. A future where I have no idea what will happen. I have these amazing plans that are hanging on by a thread of uncertainty. And if those uncertainties don’t turn into can do’s, then who knows what next year will look like. I sure don’t.
But I know someone who does. Someone who, over this past semester I’ve been ignoring adamantly. Because my best laid plans sound so… spectacular. Except ever since I’ve tried to take my life into my own hands, the fog rolls in and I loose direction. I become horrendously stressed and all of the options that seem like good ideas whir together and leave me in a dark cloud of angst. This isn’t Ailish trying to be all melodramatic. Word choice is paramount to me, each carrying it’s own weight. I know I can’t go on through the rest of my life by myself. I need God.
And that brings me to my journey of living more. It started on Thanksgiving, a day where I realized that I had less than a month until the celebration of the birth of my Savior. A Savior who, until recently, I actually had a relationship with. That thought alone breaks my heart, so I’ve begun to change. I won’t detail out every little thing, because that’s between me and Him. What I can say though is that change is lovely.
I think what made today beautiful was that I was able to see it with fresh eyes. I could go outside in the brisk air, see my breath puff up around me, gaze into the bright blue sky, and be in awe of everything that surrounded me. I didn’t despise the weather or school or the clouded direction I not so long ago felt my life was going in. I still don’t know where I’ll end up after all is said and done. However I do know that wherever God leads me, I will follow, and wherever we end up, we’ll be there together. I think that’s the best destination I could ask for.
I hope you have a lovely weekend.