I still hate being sick, and I still hate being unmotivated. My mom told me that it was okay since I’ve only been on summer vacation for four days and that being sick really does drain your energy. I still feel like I should be going to the gym for an hour a day and then dancing for 1.5 hours on top of that. But I’m just sitting on my butt writing this instead, because I need a way to sort it all out. I’m makin a plan people.
Sometimes I feel really uncomfortable exercising at home when there are other people present. In the gym, everyone is focused on themself and their own desire for progress. They don’t have time to worry about me. I only worry about me. At home, my family isn’t preoccupied with their own goals and desires, so they can watch me and criticize what I am doing more freely. I feel vulnerable and exposed. It’s easier for them to not feel the pain and just think that what I’m dong is chump change, when in reality my body is on fire.
One day I decided I was tired of studying, so I got on the floor and held a plank for three minutes (don’t try this at home kids… it took 5 months of working up to in order to do it. Or do try it at home and just be mindful of your body). After 2 minutes my face was bright red (I was breathing) and after 2.5 minutes I was shaking. But I held it all the way through, which I’m super proud of myself for. My roommate asked how long I held it for, and I said I held it for three minutes. The next day I walk into the room and she tells me that yesterday when I held the plank, the thought it was silly that my face turned red because planks are easy. She continued by saying that earlier that day she went to the gym and tried holding a plank, but couldn’t stay up for longer than 45 seconds and was impressed that it actually was hard.
I felt really relieved that she did try and challenge me because I think she kind of began to appreciate that just because something looks easy doesn’t mean that it is. If exercising and eating well were easy, everyone would have six packs and most common ailments would be kicked to the curb by now.
However, I don’t think that the hardest part about exercising is physically performing these things. It’s staying motivated. It can be so easy to watch role models perform a dance or run a race or lift weights while you think ‘man, I wish I could do that. I’m gonna start training so I can do it too and I’ll be a beast by the time summer rolls around. Imma be on fire!’ But after a week of trying you’ve already gotten yourself down into a rut because it’s hard and your body isn’t as fit as you had hoped and you’re not really seeing any change. Anyways, that’s how I feel sometimes. You just have to know that the negativity you’re feeling isn’t real. Fear isn’t real. Olympians don’t get to their level in a week or a month or a year. There’s a reason it rolls around every four years. There’s a reason they begin training as a child just so they can have the chance to try and qualify when they’re 16. Progress takes time. It can be slow, but there will also be a moment in your life where things click and pieces begin sticking together. It’ll happen. I promise to you and to myself. People who are there have told me so. People who aren’t there told me it was bogus. I’d rather believe those who know what they’re talking about.
This week, I’m giving myself permission to not be perfect. I’m not using excuses, I’m using facts. I don’t want to burn myself out while already feeling mildly burnt out to begin with. I suppose I’m doing better than last week with my sleeping, eating, and fitness schedules anyways. As I start getting better, I will start performing better. I can’t wait for that, but I’m also going to try to make the most of what I can do right now. Right now, it’s time for abs, back, and flexibility. I’ve stretched for two days in a row now. So far so good 🙂